Look around, look around
...at how lucky we are to be alive right now.
I saw Hamilton a few weeks back. I can't seem to get it out of my head. It was inspiring, in a very nerdy way. But this line, when I heard, gave me chills:
Look around, look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now.
The world today is a shitpile. We aren't building a new nation, we're watching systems collapse as normalcy is being eroded Tweet by Tweet. People's basic human rights are being stripped and there are folks who celebrate each restriction.
But.
This line resonated in my lil' emo kid brain. I guess I eliminated the "right now" part, focusing on "how lucky we are to be alive." Sometimes, that's enough to celebrate.
I've moved in with the boyfriend, the son is now here. We were supposed to have a weekend away in LA, seeing a friend of mine and going to Disneyland. Instead we missed our flight and tried to make the most of a beach trip. It was mostly good but really solidified for me: I'm all I have. I'm all I can depend on. They're a family, and I'm just here. I'm all alone, as always, and it's dangerous to let myself think otherwise.
I feel like I'm shrinking away from other humans and it's not good for me. I'm an extrovert, really, and I haven't seen or talked to any of my old coworkers since I left. I don't even pretend to talk to the people at my new office. I've been there almost three months and I haven't even exchanged phone numbers with anyone. I don't want to rely on my boyfriend but I also don't seem to actually have any friends.
But.
I'm alive. How lucky I am to be alive. Even in the shitpile, even as I try to throw off isolationist tendencies that always somehow claw their way back. How lucky I am to be alive. Right now.
I know this is a phase. I know it. But I'm ready for it to end so I can go back to being nerdily excited by life and not just wanting to cry all the time.
Stay alive. That would be enough.
I saw Hamilton a few weeks back. I can't seem to get it out of my head. It was inspiring, in a very nerdy way. But this line, when I heard, gave me chills:
Look around, look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now.
The world today is a shitpile. We aren't building a new nation, we're watching systems collapse as normalcy is being eroded Tweet by Tweet. People's basic human rights are being stripped and there are folks who celebrate each restriction.
But.
This line resonated in my lil' emo kid brain. I guess I eliminated the "right now" part, focusing on "how lucky we are to be alive." Sometimes, that's enough to celebrate.
I've moved in with the boyfriend, the son is now here. We were supposed to have a weekend away in LA, seeing a friend of mine and going to Disneyland. Instead we missed our flight and tried to make the most of a beach trip. It was mostly good but really solidified for me: I'm all I have. I'm all I can depend on. They're a family, and I'm just here. I'm all alone, as always, and it's dangerous to let myself think otherwise.
I feel like I'm shrinking away from other humans and it's not good for me. I'm an extrovert, really, and I haven't seen or talked to any of my old coworkers since I left. I don't even pretend to talk to the people at my new office. I've been there almost three months and I haven't even exchanged phone numbers with anyone. I don't want to rely on my boyfriend but I also don't seem to actually have any friends.
But.
I'm alive. How lucky I am to be alive. Even in the shitpile, even as I try to throw off isolationist tendencies that always somehow claw their way back. How lucky I am to be alive. Right now.
I know this is a phase. I know it. But I'm ready for it to end so I can go back to being nerdily excited by life and not just wanting to cry all the time.
Stay alive. That would be enough.
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