Before the fall
Random scattered thoughts:
-I'm feeling gayer than ever, and I think it's a direct response to the ever increasing seriousness of my hetero relationship. Without really knowing it, I've thought of myself as queer essentially my whole life. I identify with queer people and the queer struggle much more than straight people. I haven't been straight or id'd as straight for a while but now I feel extra queer. And I think I'm stifling under this heteronormativity-- I have a boyfriend, who I call my boyfriend (although I choke on it; I'm afraid having a boyfriend negates my queerness. I also know it's bullshit to feel that way, but hey, the world loves a binary), and I live with him, and he takes care of a lot of stuff around the house, and he's who I hang out with most... there's a lot in our relationship that battles heteronormativity and traditional gender roles, but to the world, we're just a straight couple. It makes me want to drape myself in a rainbow.
-Silky Nutmeg Ganache is, in my mind, a microcosm of the internal battle I have with Drag Race in this year of our lord 20bi-teen. On the one hand, I love her. I wanted to support her and I did for a long time. An outspoken, fat, black queen with a master's degree is kinda cat nip for me. On the other hand, she started coming hard for Yvie just for being "spooky," and she's kind of a hypocrite. However, the backlash from the fandom makes me want to support her even more. Being who she is, she's going to have a fight to keep giggin'. Latrice is a comforting version of Silky, but Silky has too many opinions-- many I disagree with -- but that makes me want to support her, even when she's wrong. I hate this thing I love sometimes.
-Did I mention up there that I love my boyfriend? Because I really do.
-I'm floating in space and man, do I want to quit my job and do nothing all day. Pet cats, read library books, and nap in the sunshine. I can't wait to 70 when that's all that's expected of me.
-I've recently opened iTunes for the first time since Bloomington, I think, and it's amazing how quickly it's transported me back to college. I wonder, sincerely, if you've ever in your life felt like a lonely, unwanted, weirdo outsider, if that ever really goes away. For me, I can feel great and then some random thing will make my whole mood turn on a dime. I will immediately feel trapped in Emporia without friends, or in Boston without money, or in high school with people who considered me lesser than but tolerated me. I still can't shake the feeling of being no more than tolerated.
-Tonight, I'm going for a run.
-I'm feeling gayer than ever, and I think it's a direct response to the ever increasing seriousness of my hetero relationship. Without really knowing it, I've thought of myself as queer essentially my whole life. I identify with queer people and the queer struggle much more than straight people. I haven't been straight or id'd as straight for a while but now I feel extra queer. And I think I'm stifling under this heteronormativity-- I have a boyfriend, who I call my boyfriend (although I choke on it; I'm afraid having a boyfriend negates my queerness. I also know it's bullshit to feel that way, but hey, the world loves a binary), and I live with him, and he takes care of a lot of stuff around the house, and he's who I hang out with most... there's a lot in our relationship that battles heteronormativity and traditional gender roles, but to the world, we're just a straight couple. It makes me want to drape myself in a rainbow.
-Silky Nutmeg Ganache is, in my mind, a microcosm of the internal battle I have with Drag Race in this year of our lord 20bi-teen. On the one hand, I love her. I wanted to support her and I did for a long time. An outspoken, fat, black queen with a master's degree is kinda cat nip for me. On the other hand, she started coming hard for Yvie just for being "spooky," and she's kind of a hypocrite. However, the backlash from the fandom makes me want to support her even more. Being who she is, she's going to have a fight to keep giggin'. Latrice is a comforting version of Silky, but Silky has too many opinions-- many I disagree with -- but that makes me want to support her, even when she's wrong. I hate this thing I love sometimes.
-Did I mention up there that I love my boyfriend? Because I really do.
-I'm floating in space and man, do I want to quit my job and do nothing all day. Pet cats, read library books, and nap in the sunshine. I can't wait to 70 when that's all that's expected of me.
-I've recently opened iTunes for the first time since Bloomington, I think, and it's amazing how quickly it's transported me back to college. I wonder, sincerely, if you've ever in your life felt like a lonely, unwanted, weirdo outsider, if that ever really goes away. For me, I can feel great and then some random thing will make my whole mood turn on a dime. I will immediately feel trapped in Emporia without friends, or in Boston without money, or in high school with people who considered me lesser than but tolerated me. I still can't shake the feeling of being no more than tolerated.
-Tonight, I'm going for a run.
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