I want to discover
As long as I can remember, I have wanted. No matter what part of my life I examine, including the present, I feel an overwhelming sense of want. What I want at any given point has varied, but I want, and I have wanted, and I will want.
I want to have money. I want to feel secure in my life in a way that only money can bring and that I have literally never truly experienced. I hate that it's true, but I just want to be comfortable in my finances.
Not to put to fine a point on it, but I also want stuff. I love stuff. I am fairly good at purging my belongings, and I have been for a long time, but there's almost always something in the back of my mind that I think would make me happy. Shoes, a dress, a piece of furniture, a decoration for my house. I like my things. I read an interview with someone once, I don't remember who, but they talked about how they were somewhat ashamed of their tendency to love things and described it as "I covet." That's me-- I covet.
I want to be happy. I don't know what will make me happy, but I feel like I'm constantly falling just short.
I want to like my job. I want a job that matters and I like and that I'm paid a fair wage for. I also want a job that doesn't require me to work too hard; I was ruined for work habits by being just smart enough to be lazy throughout school. I don't want to work 50+ hour weeks, but I want to like what I do enough that maybe I'd do it sometimes because I want to.
I want to feel wanted. I want to feel supported and loved and included. More than anything, I want to feel included. I want to feel a part of something that isn't just me pushing people into spending time with me. I want to be someone people think about when I'm not around.
I know it's unrealistic. I know most people want the same things, or some of the same things, or some combination of these and other things. I don't have to want some things that me incredibly lucky-- I don't fear for my safety or that I'll be unable to eat or have a place to sleep.
But still. I want.
I want to have money. I want to feel secure in my life in a way that only money can bring and that I have literally never truly experienced. I hate that it's true, but I just want to be comfortable in my finances.
Not to put to fine a point on it, but I also want stuff. I love stuff. I am fairly good at purging my belongings, and I have been for a long time, but there's almost always something in the back of my mind that I think would make me happy. Shoes, a dress, a piece of furniture, a decoration for my house. I like my things. I read an interview with someone once, I don't remember who, but they talked about how they were somewhat ashamed of their tendency to love things and described it as "I covet." That's me-- I covet.
I want to be happy. I don't know what will make me happy, but I feel like I'm constantly falling just short.
I want to like my job. I want a job that matters and I like and that I'm paid a fair wage for. I also want a job that doesn't require me to work too hard; I was ruined for work habits by being just smart enough to be lazy throughout school. I don't want to work 50+ hour weeks, but I want to like what I do enough that maybe I'd do it sometimes because I want to.
I want to feel wanted. I want to feel supported and loved and included. More than anything, I want to feel included. I want to feel a part of something that isn't just me pushing people into spending time with me. I want to be someone people think about when I'm not around.
I know it's unrealistic. I know most people want the same things, or some of the same things, or some combination of these and other things. I don't have to want some things that me incredibly lucky-- I don't fear for my safety or that I'll be unable to eat or have a place to sleep.
But still. I want.
Comments
Post a Comment