Symmetry
Okay, I could be doing better at this. But I'm here.
Yesterday, I turned 33. I didn't much care for my birthday last year, and I again didn't much care for it this year. For the first time in a looooong time, I didn't "do" anything for it. I kept thinking about it, but I'm getting a bit tired of always having to be the one who does things. I didn't want to plan, invite, clean, feed, coordinate, any of it. So I didn't. I spent some time reconnecting with coworkers, an old friend, a colleague from grad school. I went to three outdoor events in one day. But that's it. Kyle made secret reservations for us for dinner and they ended up being at Uchi, one of if not the most famous restaurant in Austin. It's a very fancy sushi place and we had a lot of very delicious food. And that was that.
I started a new job a few weeks ago, and I'm still really excited about it. I think when things start to pick up for me, I'll also really like it. However, because it's for the City, SO MUCH money is coming out of each paycheck it's like I'm still making the same as what I got as an assistant at the law firm. This is relevant, I swear-- I'm making more at this job than I did at the Coalition, technically, and big reason so much is coming out is that I'm able to provide Kyle with the first real health insurance he's ever had in his adult life. But I'm realizing as I approached my birthday with anxiety that I can't outgrow the feeling that I should be doing things and making things of myself and using my birthday as a time to feel inadequate. And if I'm honest, I'm fucking sick of struggling with money. But I dug the hole myself with debt traveling and moving, and not having help from family. I'm just ready to stop being so broke all the time so I can start spending money on the things I really want out of life, like travel.
While I know it's a useless exercise and my value is not determined by anything except the fact that I exist and matter, here are some of the highlights from 32:
-traveled to Denver, Kansas, Vegas, Kansas City, Galveston, Corpus Christi, Gruene, and Los Angeles
-quit my job of 2.5 years to try out the private sector
-worked with people in Israel and the UK
-moved in with my boyfriend
-lived with and sort of helped parent a 12 year old
-went to Disneyland and saw Galaxy's Edge
-quit my private sector job and went back to the public sector, but for the goddamn rad City of Austin
-saw Lady Gaga in concert
-got VERY HIGH in Denver and Vegas
-finally got fitted and know my real bra size (40FF, jesus)
-took an absurd number of photos of bluebonnets in the spring
-helped throw my very first crawfish boil
-relatedly, ate my first crawfish and raw oyster
-grew my hair out into a shape other than short or grown out short haircut
-supported my mom virtually through a tough year
Okay. That helps. If I'm honest, it still doesn't feel like enough, but GODDAMMIT, I'm here. I'm still here. And I'll save it for another blog post, but I'm contemplating an actual future like an adult, working on a budget to get my debt down, thinking about what I really want from life. It's a weird feeling but it's a feeling that can't be really captured in a list.
Yesterday, I turned 33. I didn't much care for my birthday last year, and I again didn't much care for it this year. For the first time in a looooong time, I didn't "do" anything for it. I kept thinking about it, but I'm getting a bit tired of always having to be the one who does things. I didn't want to plan, invite, clean, feed, coordinate, any of it. So I didn't. I spent some time reconnecting with coworkers, an old friend, a colleague from grad school. I went to three outdoor events in one day. But that's it. Kyle made secret reservations for us for dinner and they ended up being at Uchi, one of if not the most famous restaurant in Austin. It's a very fancy sushi place and we had a lot of very delicious food. And that was that.
I started a new job a few weeks ago, and I'm still really excited about it. I think when things start to pick up for me, I'll also really like it. However, because it's for the City, SO MUCH money is coming out of each paycheck it's like I'm still making the same as what I got as an assistant at the law firm. This is relevant, I swear-- I'm making more at this job than I did at the Coalition, technically, and big reason so much is coming out is that I'm able to provide Kyle with the first real health insurance he's ever had in his adult life. But I'm realizing as I approached my birthday with anxiety that I can't outgrow the feeling that I should be doing things and making things of myself and using my birthday as a time to feel inadequate. And if I'm honest, I'm fucking sick of struggling with money. But I dug the hole myself with debt traveling and moving, and not having help from family. I'm just ready to stop being so broke all the time so I can start spending money on the things I really want out of life, like travel.
While I know it's a useless exercise and my value is not determined by anything except the fact that I exist and matter, here are some of the highlights from 32:
-traveled to Denver, Kansas, Vegas, Kansas City, Galveston, Corpus Christi, Gruene, and Los Angeles
-quit my job of 2.5 years to try out the private sector
-worked with people in Israel and the UK
-moved in with my boyfriend
-lived with and sort of helped parent a 12 year old
-went to Disneyland and saw Galaxy's Edge
-quit my private sector job and went back to the public sector, but for the goddamn rad City of Austin
-saw Lady Gaga in concert
-got VERY HIGH in Denver and Vegas
-finally got fitted and know my real bra size (40FF, jesus)
-took an absurd number of photos of bluebonnets in the spring
-helped throw my very first crawfish boil
-relatedly, ate my first crawfish and raw oyster
-grew my hair out into a shape other than short or grown out short haircut
-supported my mom virtually through a tough year
Okay. That helps. If I'm honest, it still doesn't feel like enough, but GODDAMMIT, I'm here. I'm still here. And I'll save it for another blog post, but I'm contemplating an actual future like an adult, working on a budget to get my debt down, thinking about what I really want from life. It's a weird feeling but it's a feeling that can't be really captured in a list.
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